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     OPERA A CUT ABOVE COMPETITION
Advertisement        

Opera Software
How I love the Opera web browser, let me count the ways:
  1. Opera can be put on one (that's right one) single, solitary 3.5 floppy disk.
  2. Opera is faster than any web browser I've ever seen.
  3. Opera displays HTML much more acurately than either Internet Explorer or Netscape.
  4. Opera, while not free, is extremely cheap.
  5. Opera has the functionality Netscape lacks, without Internet Explorer's weird quirks.
  6. With a domain like "http://www.opera.com," how can you go wrong?

Opera is a registered trademark of Opera Software, © 1999.




     NINTENDO 64 TRIES HARD TO KEEP UP WITH SEGA DREAMCAST
Entertainment        

"Jungle Fever Green N64!"
For the past few months, probably due to the arrival of Sega's Dreamcast, the Nintedo 64 game console has been waning in popular opinion. In an effort to keep from going under, Nintedo has adopted new "gorilla tactics" that involves much more than just this ape of a deal.

Just in time for Christmas, N64's are now shipped with the Donkey Kong 64 game cartridge and a new color design for the system itself.

Described by Nintedo as "Jungle Fever Green," the new color scheme is obviously Nintendo trying to use the same strategy as they did when the Game Boy almost fizzled out. They probably intend to eventually have a virtual rainbow of colored systems, just like their Game Boy line.

If this well thought out strategy doesn't fly with consumers, Nintendo still has another ace up its sleeve:
Pokémon

Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Donkey Kong 64, and Pokémon are registered trademarks of Nintedo, © 1999. Dreamcast is a registered trademark of Sega, © 1999.




     US AND NICKOSLAVIA MAY REACH PINNACLE IN PEACE TALKS
Nation        

US and Nickoslavia may finally have peace.
The Grand and Glorious Republic of Nickoslavia may have reached a milestone earlier this week in its ongoing struggle to gain recognition from the United States as a valid power in the region. The Nickoslavian Republic has been in a steady state of war against its American neighbors since it came into being earlier last year.

The US Sec. of State released notes yesterday detailing foreknowledge on the United States' part of the creation of Nickoslavia that shed some light on shady business transactions between the two. Sources say that the facilitator of these deals has been a controversial new American political party. Known as the Hearts and Rainbows Party, its ideals have steadily been gaining ground in American high schools. This development has US officials a bit worried as their own children begin questioning them about the largely unknown Republic.

By using this fresh information, The Grand and Glorious Republic of Nickoslavia hopes to make a case before the United Nations in order to have American trade embargoes and tariffs lifted. The only problem is that the UN doesn't acknowledge the existance of the Nickoslavian state either. So, the future of peace between the US and Nickoslavia may still be a bit far off.




     DEPARTMENT STORE SANTAS ON STRIKE!
Editorial        

Santa
"They worked us like dogs," remarks an obviously intoxicated Santa.
Two days ago, after an entire three minutes of rigorous training, swarms of Santas were released into the shopping malls of America. For a brisk four and a half hours life was good. The malls opened up for business and parents drudged through toy store after toy store looking for the one last Pokémon their child so desperately needed. Children, herded into ridiculous lines by midgets in faux long ears, took their turn telling the particular Santa of the day what they wanted for Christmas. It was all a wonderful winter wonderland.
However, it was not to last. For, in shopping malls across the nation, without apparent warning or provokation, something went terribly, terribly wrong.

It started innocently enough. A small child in Manchester got up onto Santa's lap and pulled at the beard in an attempt to prove that Santa is fake. With a loud rip the glue tore from the man's skin and he yelped in pain. Well, we've probably all seen this type of prank before, perhaps on some sappy after-school special on ABC three or four years ago (but who can remember?).

While this seems a run of the mill incident, it became the staw that broke the reindeer's back. Outraged by this and similar diplays of disrespect, Santas all across America walked off the job. As so elequently put by one of the elves present during the situation, "Christmas is canceled."

Tiny Tim could not be reached for comment.

ABC is a registered trademark of the American Broadcasting Company, © 1999.




     SCIENTISTS DISCOVER ELEMENT 114!    It's Drano!
Science        

In a remarkable finding, scientists at the Mt. Bahnet Research Facility have discovered the ever elusive element number 114. According to the researchers, it has the same chemical consistency as Drano. "I'm ecstatic!" claimed one scientist, "I've been using this stuff for years, but I never dreamed it would become so important in my work!"
Drano

The scientists made this discovery on November 30th, 1999, after courageously battling a clogged sink. According to eyewitnesses, some of the Drano fell on the lab equipment while the scientists were recording their readings, and within minutes the scientists were checking and double-checking their results, dumbfounded that the mysterious element 114 was right under the sink all this time.

Drackett, the company that produces Drano, explained that they have been making strong chemical agents for years, but never fathomed that scientists could involve one of their products in a scientific discovery of such magnitude. In describing the process for creating Drano, Drackett officials said that they, "Just mix some palmolive, cooking salt, diesel, and weapons grade plutonium together, set the mixer on 'puree,' and wait a few hours."

The Periodic Table of Elements

Scientists will be harnessing this new technology in all sorts of new experiments, testing the aspects and chemical specifics of Drano. When asked what they will name element 114, Drackett said, "Well, we were thinking of 'Drano by Dracket,' but concluded that just 'Drano' will do fine."

Both scientists responsible for this discovery were virtually unheard of in their community prior to this. Dr. Brackwurst is a dyslexic and Dr. Pushing is a retired used car salesman. Their administrator, Dr. Branden, has been on sick leave during this discovery, so he has not been credited. Incidently, Mt. Bahnet Research Facility has been without notable accomplishment for the last 27 years, and amazingly has made this turnaround discovery just before their grant was schedueled to run out.

Courtesy of
Jewnet Wire Services

Drano is a registered trademark of the Drackett company, © 1999.




     POKÉMON IS THE TRUE DESTROYER OF AMERICAN SOCIETY
Editorial        

Pikachu
Acurately described as the decade's largest "cash cow," the Pokémon craze has ballooned to such girth that it easily overshadows the Pog obsession of the early nineties, the Power Rangers phenomenon of the mid-nineties, and even crowded out last year's Beanie Baby revolution!

TV Guide, one of the most influential magazines of our time (now that certainly says a lot), describes the virtual Pandora's box that is Pokémon: "It's the Microsoft of kiddie obsessions..." And perhaps that's just what we're talking about.

Though Pokémon, like the Bill Gates company, is certainly and without a doubt the work of one of the most successful marketing frenzies of all time, its success comes at the expense of the American consumer. I mean, is it really wise to have an entire generation of children take a crash course in capitalism before they're old enough to learn long division?

Pokémon is a registered trademark of Nintedo, © 1999.



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