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Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore


     I ADMIT EVERYTHING! I knew it all along.
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Brand N I've had enough. No more hiding behind my facist lies. I must tell you all, my story, "Mein Magen."

I blame all my woes upon but two individuals, Captain Howdy, and, not surprisingly, myself. The first doesn't come as much of a surprise, no, not at all. You can see my demonic characteristics quite readily everyday. Aside from the theics, Captain Howdy yet again is visible in me through my classic "360 neck spin" I perform whenever I do not get my way. The latter sources of my blame has actually spread to others, and the proverbial "bah" has become rampent in certain regions of the world. But while my deepest blame, myself, may seem to be a paradox, it's not. Imagine this:

You wake up, you use the restrooms, doing your "thing." Then you consume an immense amount of food over a long timespan, and finally after finishing you relocate your behind to the computer chair, and a chemical bond forms. You type away and away at those cheap plastic keys on that low grade, sun-bleached yellow keyboard from some unknown third world country, all because you were too cheap to buy a computer from one of the "big guys." After much typing away, you decide you implement your values upon the rest of the world, so you think to yourself, and finally decide to use something you already have and rename it with the word "scientific" in the title, so that it may confuse innocent, law-abiding masses of people into accepting your narrow view. Finally, you come to a realization that it wasn't the people who did this to you, or you to the people but yourself who did it to you. The world both stops and starts at "you," and you can't quite figure out where to hop on. The problem I face is, once I get on, how do I get off?




     FASCIST BRAND N POLLS He's worse than Hitler!
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Brand N Brand N Products, a source of reviews of popular culture, and other such manners of sarcasm, has steadily been sinking to new levels of facism; forcing their opinions on the masses in epic portions.

Brand N Fascist Poll While continuing under the pretense of a "Scientific Poll," Branden butchers the views of his faithful readers in a stunning display of disdain for public opinion.

But let me tell you my story.

Yesterday, as I was passing the time, I chanced upon Brand N's new poll. It was asking about what kind of cheese is the best, or some such nonsense. Anyway, I, being a cheddar lover from way back, decided to vote for the cheese of my choice. The page loaded and I was pleased to see that I had joined a fellow cheddar lover in casting my vote, and we were winning the poll by a whopping 50% margin. The only other vote was (presumably) Branden's for muenster, the most horrid cheese on the market today.

Satisfied that the amazing powers of common sense had won once again, I quickly returned to the Brand N's main page, to peruse the many discussions lurking about. Then, to my horror, I saw that Branden had once again packed the poll with 247 more votes for muenster, blowing cheddar out of the water.

In dismay I marveled at Branden's sheer hypocracy. By swinging the poll's votes in whichever direction he chooses, Branden destroys any "scientific" value, and rids the poll of any relevance whatsoever. Once again, I am completely shocked and appalled by such behavior.

Happy Fourth of July, you fascist.


McSneer on 7/4/00.



     STARSHIP TROOPERS... THE CARTOON? Insomnia takes a new, ugly twist.
Entertainment        

Starship Troopers Well guys, I just decided to pull an all nighter.

That's right, though I tried and tried, last night I was completely unable to get to sleep. As I sat on my bed in dumbfounded wonder, I quickly decided that I would take this opportunity to preclude any chance of this happening again tonight. So, though I could probably have fallen asleep eventually, I forced myself to get up at the crack of dawn; that's six-thirty in this neck of the woods.

Deciding to sit down for a while, I turned on the TV (only a research venture, of course) in order to see just what the heck is on this early in the morning. Faced with early morning newscast after early morning newscast, I chanced upon Channel 11, where they were describing the weather with a hint of fog at the normally-clear-this-time-of-year San Jose Air Port. Because I had not seen the morning hours since early June, I was determined to see these cold, overcast conditions with my own eyes. Only pausing to turn off the TV, I quickly made my way to the back door, opened it and took a deep breath, preparing to brave the elements.

Of course, my cat took full advantage of the situation and broke free.

Without a moment's hesitation, I dashed after him hoping to grab the furry animal before he hopped the fence. As he was also not completely coherent this early in the morning (and because he had decided to stop and pee) I was able to easily corral the beast at the east side of the house and yank him off the ground before he was able to leap the fence to freedom!

Starship Troopers I threw him back into the house and sat back down in front of the TV. It was then that my attention was drawn to the wild 'n' wacky world of early weekday morning children's programming on the UPN network; and it was then that I got my first glimpse of Roughnecks: Starship Troopers Chronicles the animated series.

Because I vaguely remembered Branden mentioning the cheesy Starship Troopers during one of my long walks to Drafting class, I went ahead and gave this show a try. But, in retrospect, I'm not sure that was the greatest move.

Starship Troopers You see, while this show is beautifully animated with amazingly detailed 3D rendered characters, it's also incredibly violent. Incredibly. In the story, giant bugs from outer space have taken up residence on earth and, in each show, are found generally wreaking havoc in one way or another. In only the first five minutes of the episode I caught, not only had the "good" guys already splattered a few hundred bugs all over the screen, but it was hastily determined that the entire San Francisco Bay Area would have to be nuked immediately; the civilian casualties were only a neccessary evil. It was explained, in a record three seconds, that any form of evacuation would be too dangerous; it might send an early warning to the bugs and tip the scales in favor of the "bad" guys. Perish the thought.

The rest of the episode became an exercise in delerium as the main characters took turns setting up charges around the Golden Gate Bridge. But suddenly, in a climactic (and bloody) battle sequence, the Lieutenant character was grabbed by one of the bugs and squeezed into it's waiting jaws.

Of course, he was packing a bomb.

So the last few seconds of the episode consist of the Lieutenant going up in a valiant conglomeration of flames and big green bug innards. The camera then pans down into the muck to show the Lieutenant's severed hand floating near the dismembered corpse of the huge insect creature. How lovely.

So, my guess is that they have to come up with a new Lieutenant every episode. [extreme sarcasm] My, what great children's entertainment! [/extreme sarcasm]


McSneer on 6/29/00.


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