W2News.com
Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore


     WESTMONT WROTE A LETTER! But will it be enough?
Editorial        


Westmont High School
I think that I can say that I have finally been persuaded.

Yep. From now on, no more procrastination or lollygaging for me; I'm a changed man. In fact, I've never felt so alive in my life! So, what is it that I owe my new self image to? What is it that has caused me to turn over a new leaf and changed my outlook forever?! Why, it's this tidy little letter I just came across earlier today.

Dated May 4th, I admit that this letter probably should have been read a long time ago. But what am I supposed to say? Westmont mailings come so frequently that it has been reduced to old hat.

Last week my mother no doubt walked the letter in from the mailbox and grabbed my attention with something like, "Here's another letter from Westmont."

"Throw it on the pile," I probably said, and went back to whatever I was doing.

Anyway, back to the letter. Apparently, the Westmont staff believes its students to be so inherently dumb that by sending a "humorous" letter to seniors, they can shave off the effects of "senioritis" (an increased amount of BSing and procrastinating that normally takes effect during the last few months of a senior's high school career). Take this quote for example. Here the interim principal describes the malady with such an amazing command of the english language that it is hard to swallow his stupidity resist his wit:

"...the most effective way to fight off the disease and avoid the disasterous complications is to stay under... the strongest artificial light, which most significantly combats senioritis, found in the classrooms, libraries, and under home study lamps."

I couldn't help but hold back a chuckle, just before I, oh so lovingly, tore it in squarely in half.


McSneer on 5/15/00.



     THE FIRST W2'S WEB WONDERS! Keepin' up wit' 'da times, foo.
Internet        

Time on the Internet
I've found that while traveling the internet, we can all find it rather easy to come across some pretty strange stuff. Even while trying to stay clear of the totally obsene, it is still amazingly simple to find a wealth of weirdos on the net. So, in my everlasting effort to show that W2News.com is hardly among the strangest sites on the web, I've decided to start compling W2's Web Wonders.

I'll begin the first ever W2's Web Wonders with this monstrosity. So click and witness, as I have, the great winged buffalo! Try to imagine, if you can, what I felt when I learned that "the more the dog suffers in death, the better tasting the meat!" Still don't believe there's weirder people out there than me? Then why don't you spend a little time reading about the insane antics of giant man-eating lemurs?

But, if you're in the mood for madcap hospital humor, you can try the First Aid Preparedness Exam. I found that I could make it through the test a bit easier by imagining it as kind of a grown up's Mad Libs. But since we're talking about a victim's recovery process, how's about paying a visit to the Lip Balm Anonymous Home Page?

Lastly, I'd just like to point out undeniable truth that confirms what we've no doubt been suspecting all along: Bert, of Sesame Street, was on hand during the O.J. Simpson trail!

I guess to kind of round everything off, I submitted Branden's Voracious Page to The Cows Anonymous Web Ring. I hope you like your new bovine lovin' friends, Branden.


McSneer on 5/14/00.



     ONE MORE TIME! Nintendo + MegaMan = $$$.
Entertainment        

Mega Man 64
I just read the good news! It seems I can now officially junk my Playstation for sure. Mega Man is coming to the Nintendo 64!

Yep. After a long hiatus, the Blue Bomber is finally making his return back into the world of Nintendo. And not a moment too soon, may I add.

Now, I'm sure that most of you are probably too young to appreciate the nastalgia generated by the idea of a new Mega Man game for the N64 (too concerned with your blasted EverQuests and Unreal Tournaments, blech). But for those of us that can remember that golden age of gaming, today is a day that will live forever, but not in infamy.

I guess it just makes me smile when I hear that another former flagship Playstation title is transforming into an "Only for Nintendo64" game.


McSneer on 5/11/00.



     SQUICK HAS SEEN THE FUTURE! Scientists amazed.
Science        

The Time Machine
Great Scott! How many gigawatts? Oh, why didn't I pay attention during Back to the Future?
Somehow, during the last few days, without anyone noticing, the webmaster of the infamous Squick.org embarked on what must have been a breathtaking odyssey into the earth's future. Obviously having stolen one of his dad's secret time machines (you don't think he spends all his time just making Star Wars lasers, now do you?), Matt decided to free himself from this mortal coil and venture into the unbridled joy that the future must hold.
Of course, his first act as an adventurer into the great unknown was to write an extensive Squick article detailing his astounding journey.

That's right, brushing off any fear for his own safety or pressure to stumble upon some scientific breakthrough in future technology, Matt made it a point to put everything on hold and typed up the first Squick news story of 2030.

And, while we will be forever grateful for this selfless contribution to the good of the human race, it truly must move us to consider, why did he do it?
Squick has seen the future!
All the way to 2030 and back again!

Certainly the world of the future holds many more delights for a person than this present age. What is it that caused Matt to come back, and why has he left the evidence of his adventure? Could it be that Matt found the future as disturbing and post-apocalyptic as The Time Machine of old? Is this a final warning before we plunge headlong into a future of pain and desolation? In short, is Matt holding out on us?

We may never know.


McSneer on 5/10/00.


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