Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore

     NICKOSLAVIANS STRAPPED FOR CASH Contributions needed.

The IRS has struck again.

After almost an entire year of relentlessly persuing the current dictator of The Grand and Glorious Republic of Nickoslavia, authorities finally have the famed dutchman within their grasp; back taxes in tow.

It happened quite suddenly, actually. In an ironic turn of events, the once adored despot was given up to American troops last week by a small rebel group of his former loyal subjects. Not about to let this chance pass by, authorities moved quickly to disarm the remaining millitants and place Nickoslav leaders in custody.

However, a quick shake down and four bottles of coke later, IRS searches had failed to recover enough money to pay the Nickoslavian fine. A decision was made to detain their leader until such time as the Nickoslavians can come up enough money to clear their leader's debt.
Nickoslavia needs money.
Slums litter the landscape, awaiting your cash donation.

Nickoslavia needs money.
Your contribution could put the Republic back on track.
The people of Nickoslavia have joined together to combat this grave injustice. In a stunning show of support, common citizens of the Republic have taken to the streets, beginning to gather the resources needed to free their leader. But they need your help!

With every dollar you contribute, The Grand and Glorious Republic of Nickoslavia promises to pay a child through school, buy a new digital camera, and stock pile bills up to the rafters.

Uh, I mean, save the whales! Yeah, that's it.

McSneer on 5/9/00.


The following is the text of a manuscript written by reknown cynic Mr. Tyler Jobkovich just before his recent disappearence. It was found by JewNet investigative staff several weeks after while searching for any evidence, and has not been released until now, one half year after his disappearence, because of previous perceptions of public reaction. However, we now feel that the general public should be made aware of Mr. Jobkovich's last words before his "departure".

Well, I've been holding onto a secret for some while now that I believe I should let the rest of you in on, finally. Although in all respects you should've been able to find it out for your selves by now, seeing as the end is so near. Still, I can't hold it against you.

It amounts to pretty much the following: I am a figment of your imagination. Now before you become incredulous of this statement, and start asking questions such as "How can we all imagine the same thing?" and "What proof do you have of this?" let me explain.

For seven generations, my family has not existed in reality, but only in the perceptions of humanity as a whole. In three days, my family will cease to exist. You perceive us a ordinary human beings due to the manipulations and pupeteering of a secret group of experimental psychologists known only as the Inner Flanks.

They created my family tree as an experiment in the human psyche. Using mass hypnosis, the created my distant grandfather, Yuri Jobkovich, by implementing memories and ideas into the minds of a villiage of people. As he moved around, and the family eventually moved to the United States, mass hypnosis on a larger and larger scale was needed. Until now, where such a large amount of people have been hypnotized that I have achieved fame for no tangible reason.

Part of the reason that this experiment was such a success is because, instead of controlling my every move, which would become tiresome and wary for the controllers, who would be bound to make a slip up eventually, my family was placed into psyches in such a way so that your expectations as a whole become my family's actions. In other words, we do exactly as society expected us to. An individual's feelings would have little effect, because the culmination of everyone's expections is our controlling factor.

World Mourns Jobkovich
However, in several days, this experiment is to come to an end. The last member of secret group Inner Flanks is on his deathbed, and is aware of the results of what will happen if he does not terminate the experiment. If he does not, I will continue to exist in the minds of all those already affected, but not in those born after his death. Therefore, not only less and less people's feelings affect my actions, but the older part of the population would be able to see me while the younger part could not. So he must remove any thoughts that I or my family have existed.

However, he is aware that this is not as simple as it sounds. It is easy to implant new feelings since the brain is always accepting new thoughts and ideas, but to remove feelings a replacement is needed. A catalyst, if you will. This catalyst must both smear over previous feelings, as well as not leave the psyches empty. For it to be successful, it must also degenerate over an extended period of time so that loss of memory and feelings are not noticable.

Now, you are probably wondering what would fill this gap. Recently, while reading the newspaper, I believe that I have found what will fill the void that will be created. A news story about a Cuban refugee named Elian Gonzales seems to be my replacement. Since the news item appears to spike to the front pages of newspapers everywhere, I'll not bore you with the details of his story which I am sure you will be informed of later, but I am also sure that my end is near. It cannot be far away, perhaps on the first day that this story appears, I do not know.

So I say farewell and good riddance to the world.

Sincerely, Mr. Tyler Jobkovich

JewNet neither endoreses nor denies Mr. Jobkovichs account of his disappearence. His facts fit, although critics say that he may of committed suicide and decided to shrowd his death in mystery. We will never know.

Courtesy of
JewNet Wire Services
"Wire Services that play it straight"

Branden on 5/8/00 (It got lost in the mail, honest)

     ALTA VISTA - LESSONS IN BAD WEB DESIGN Ain't it the truth?

Recently while JewNet was running through the latest issue of W2News.com, it came accross Altavista Search Engine's website. The entire JewNet office staff let loose an uncontrollable shriek of horror.

The gold, navy blue, and white color theme is standable, at least it has high contrast. But for fun, the Altavista staff begin throwing in different shades of all of these colors in several areas. But all this so far can easily be looked over.
The most striking fault of the page is the several hundred tabs. As you can see in the convienient screenshot image provided by JewNet, across the top of each page are a row of buttons that lead to different categories. This is fine and dandy, except several of the categories are named rather ambiguosly, and do not inspire me to click on them. As we venture down the page our eye encounters a row of tabs taking up the entire length of the screen. (Just in case someone doesn't know what a tab is, they have a convienient link to a definition, too.)
Alta Vista - Big, Bad 'N' Ugly.
Alta Vista - Beaten with an ugly stick?
While these tabs are slightly less ambigous in nature, the appear to be of different sizes. Look at the runt one at the end. And while having tabs coming out of nowhere is acceptable in a spartan style webpage, these tabs just appear in the middle of the page twice! This tab system could of been done much better, but it seems like Altavista decided to aim for that "designed by committee" look.

I don't know what Altavista has been up to lately, but they really need to hire someone to tell them how a typical person uses the internet. A typical person is looking for 50+ links to help sort their data.

And you have to admit that their new logo is butt-ugly.

Courtesy of
JewNet Wire Services
"Wire Services That Bark Up The Wrong Tree"

Branden on 5/8/00.

     AND LIFE RETURNS TO NORMAL We got some friends in high places.

Alta Vista Search for W2News.com!
I just noticed something. And, for the life of me, I'm not sure how I am to contain the pure joy and warm fuzzy feelings that come over me as I type this sentence. You see, well, it seems that we've finally been accepted.
That's right. After sweating what seemed like months and months of Alta Vista's often maddening error messages, the glorious and beautiful fruits of my labors have finally come to... well, fruition.

The Infamous Alta Vista Error Message
But the page is there YOU PIECE OF CRAP!
So now you can browse Alta Vista's entire directory with relative ease, resting assured that W2News.com has made it on their exclusive list.

And while you're at it, try these Alta Vista searches (I wonder who's #1):


And, since we're on the subject, why don't you take a gander at Matt Clark's Forgotten Babylon 5 page? My only real question here is, why didn't you tell us that you went to the University of South Florida, Matt?

McSneer on 5/8/00.


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