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Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore


     EARTH TO ENTER NEUTRON FIELD! Branden is now officially one with himself.
Nation        


Newark, NJ. Noted astronomer Misty Cimber has stated that in as little as three months our planet may enter a high-density neutron field. Photographs taken of this phenomenon show that we have only a short time before unexpected events begin to happen. Among the predictions are reports of flying pigs, school shootings, and fleets of Evil Space War Cruisers. All normal occurances of course. Well, all except the flying pigs.

Because of the flying pigs, several detachments of US Marshalls were sent on a secret mission to brave the depths of central Mexico, where the report was made.
Earth plummets toward certain doom
Ha ha. Pigs. What an imagination.
War Cruisers loom closer
War cruisers. Fact or druken halucination?
The Marshalls reportedly interrogated villiagers for several hours before any confessions were made. One weary old man, whom the villages reffered to as "El Burro Estéril," told the Marshalls that he was not only responsible for the report of flying pigs, but also for the Evil Space War Cruisers.

The Marshalls brushed off his confession and proceeded to interrogate him for several more days. Upon his 80th confession, the Marhsalls placed him in the stockades and swallowed the key.
Now, the official report simply claims that they conducted a series of interviews, but JewNet knows better. We've got the sources, man.

Courtesy of
Jewnet Wire Services
and 3 litres of beere!

Three literes of beer? Branden, you really have to lay off the metric fetish. Although, you did submit two posts back to back. Hopefully this keeps up.




     THE COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO SQUICK! Something's brewing on Cloverdale Lane.
Internet        

Squick!
JewNet is proud to be the first to present all faithful squick.org followers with this first ever guide to the site. With this handy manual, both newcomers and old-timers will be able to peruse this modern wonder with more ease than ever before. No other guide could hope to offer as complete and thorough documention as this exclusive document.

The Welcome Page: Quite the dynamic welcome page, this is loaded with features that all the visitors can and do use on a daily basis. This famous page is the reason why so many faithful squick.org followers set it as their home page. Flooded with useful links like "UPS Tracking System" and "WAMU Login," this page provides complete and well-rounded services to its visitors. And always available for fun, there are the Amazingly Useless links. This wonderful collection of oddball sites from around the internet keeps squick.org's visitors in constant wonder what they will come up with next.

Cocoa Signon: To always keep customers guessing, squick.org safely ropes off sections of the site that in the future will shed much joyous content upon all. With intuitive graphic design, visitors can look at but not touch the glory that will be Essex Properties Trust Intranet.

Other: Another part of the mystery that squick.org presents its visitors is the marvelous content-filled section knows simply as "Other." While the name may not seem like much, don't let it fool you. Other appears to be the beginning of a rigourous trek through the annals of web servers the world over. This feature is truly a lost wonder of the web.

Me: Yes, of course, the webmaster of squick.org. The ever-elusive Me is the one responisble for the timely updates and wonderous new sections to keep the visitors happy. Although we couldn't pin Me down for an interview, those close to him tell of his endless devotion to squick.org, part of what makes it such a wonderful site indeed.

Well, this is about the end of the Official Guide to Squick.org. Hope you can now browse better with the handy information provided in this manual. Once again, Jewnet Wire Services signing off.

Courtesy of
Jewnet Wire Services

Squick.org and respective images are registered trademarks of Squick.org, © 2000.




     THE MASSES REJOICE! But at what cost?
Editorial        

Squick.org

As I sat here on this particular Tuesday, just finishing my 44 oz. Cherry Coke ®, I found something that disturbed me to my very core. Something so shocking, so terrible, so horrifying, that the cup dropped from my hand allowing the beverage to soak my computer desk.

Squick updated.

I tried to sop up the liquid with an old shirt. It was true... I fell to my knees and let the shock set in.

Squick actually updated...

It was becoming clearer now.

Something is terribly wrong. This can't happen, I told myself. It's just not possible!

[Harley stops being a jerk now].

I am amazed. That's no joke.

Cherry Coke is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Company, © 2000. Squick.org and respective images are registered trademarks of Squick.org, © 2000.




     STATE PROP 29 The blasted Indians are at it again.
Editorial        

Santa Clara County
The Santa Clara County sample ballots just came in the mail today. Perusing through the little booklet, I was surprised to find so many propsitions on the ballot. But, of course, there was one that caught my eye.

It was Prop. 29. I'm sure you remember the weird Indian television ads a few years ago. They sported "normal" Indians looking very dignified and telling us that our vote is important to help them with their mission to thumb their nose in the face of America and gain "self-reliance."

How do they plan to do so you ask? Well by drinking and gambling till there's no tommorrow of course! That how Americans got most of the land anyway, isn't it?

But back to voting, why do they need our help and why are they on the ballot again? Well, it seems that the old proposition back in '98 was overturned and now they want us all to go and vote for them again. The handbook says that there will be no fiscal impact on California voters, so I say, why not. Let 'em gamble themselves into the gutter, but they better not ask me to pay for their debts.

I don't have anything against Indians, I just don't let them give me a haircut.

"Indian Self-Reliance" is a registered trademark of That guy who owns the Atlanta Braves, © 2000.



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