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Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore


     WESTMONT SAYS AMERICAN GOVERNMENT FINISHED! Citizens in shock.
Nation        


American Government at an end?
American Government...
at an end?

Somewhere in the middle of a Virginian cotton field George Washington is crying. Earlier this week, the 5th period class of Westmont high school's American Government class (Rm. 20) was informed that the very glue that holds together this great nation, founded on the back-breaking labor of a few, has finally come to it's end.

That's right, Westmont students just finishing their semester finals were stunned to hear the sad truth that the American Government class will be disapearing, reportedly on long hiatus, at the end of this week. Refusing to be comforted by rumors that the class will not end, but only shift focus to the Economics side of the workings of America, students began long walks home in tearful silence.
One thing's for sure though, how ever the future turns out. We'll miss you, number of the day [sniff].

The American style of government is a registered trademark of Ted Turner, © 2000.




     USMC RAMPAGE CONTINUES Will it ever end?
Nation        

USMC celebrates another victory.
Marines celebrate another victory. And hey, is that Ben Towne?
The grainy image to the left shows the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. cutting the celebratory cake for a nameless Private First Class earlier this week with his filthy NCO sword.

Perhaps they're celebrating the overthrow of yet another small New England suburb? Or maybe this is a demorallizing fake photo that was doctored to look like the Marines were celebrating, we may never know. One thing's for sure though, Alpha is actually spelled Alfa (if my ROTC training learned me anything, but I digress).

Perhaps we will soon learn what exactly has happened to this country's defense dept. But until then, we will have to glean from clippings such as this. When will the madness end?





     MLA SAYS AIN'T AIN'T A WORD Modern Language just isn't modern enough.
Editorial        

MLA - Modern Language Association
The bane of every high school english student. The terror of all that is right with the world. The three letters that strike fear into even the hardest nosed english major at any given university, bar none. That's right, it's the [key dark-toned music] MLA [shudder].
Well, maybe they're not as evil as they seem, but they still suck. I mean, anyone who can single handedly destroy the common acceptance of the use of contractions in American writing all the while deprecating simple personal pronouns has far too much power. They must be stoped at all costs.
The Modern Language Association circa 1920
Fancy camera... $300. New suit... $100. Grainy photo... priceless.
Listen to this propaganda, directly from their own website: "The Modern Language Association of America is a not-for-profit membership organization that promotes the study and teaching of language and literature" (emphasis mine). Notice how they didn't say "non-profit?"

Again quoting the official MLA website, with "Over 30,000 members in 100 countries...Programs serving English and foreign...divisions for specialized scholarly and teaching interests of members."

Specialized interests? I can think of another "not-for-profit" group that delights in controlling so much power in school systems around the world, they're called Communists.

You were wondering why all English teachers use red pens.

MLA and Communism are registered trademarks of The Modern Language Association of America, © 2000.




     TASTE THE RAINBOW Just figured I'd gloat a little.
Technology        

Nintendo
Just as I predicted, Nintendo has decided to release their N64's in many different colors of plastic. Apparently, since the sales of the Nintendo 64 have begun to wane, Nintendo will try to pump the dying console for as much as they can. Colors galore will soon dominate the decisions of N64 buyers as they will have to choose from a whole set of different hues.

Nintendo has done this kind of thing before. Anyone remember the Gameboy Pocket? Well, this is the same strategy, just on a slightly different scale. The new colors include:

Taste the Rainbow
  • Smoke
  • Ice
  • Fire
  • Jungle Green
  • Watermelon
  • Grape

If the N64 gains a bit more popularity with the advent of different colors, then Nintendo's next generation machine, codenamed Dolphin, will no doubt be available in a slew of colors (i.e. the iMac).

Perhaps Nintendo is taking Macintosh's current success to heart as it buckles down to their own fight with Microsoft; Bill Gates's first addition to the console wars is slated to be completed in the next year.
Nintendo Dolphin?
Nintendo Dolphin? Looks more like a bloated CD player.

iMac and Macintosh are registered trademarks of Macintosh Corporation, © 2000. Microsoft and Bill Gates are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation, © 2000. Gameboy Pocket, Nintendo, Nintendo 64, N64, and "Project Dolphin" are registered trademarks of Nintendo Ltd. Co., © 2000.


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